19. May, 2015

The Return of the Beast

 

Yep, just that. I was easily fooled and actually thought I was recovering but then the beast materialised and buried my hopes in an onslaught of panic and anxiety that so far has lasted nine days.  Just when I thought it was safe to announce, “I’m nearly healed”, it crashes in and devours my dreams.

 

There’s no doubt that it had a trigger. I broke a back tooth. It crumbled away beneath my toothbrush and panic immediately took the place of calm. “What if this couldn’t be mended and I have to have it out?”; “How am I going to get to the dentist?”; “Any dental anaesthetic is going to cause a wave”. On and on went this negative pattern of thoughts with the obvious result that the dormant Benzo beast put in a rapid and ferocious appearance. I spent that night awake and for the following nine days I’ve had just three nights of sleep. I’ve spent the rest pacing my house, shaking on my bed, sweating and well, you know the picture.

 

Somehow I drifted into the dentist’s surgery in a haze of determination. I successfully underwent the rebuilding of the rogue tooth with not a moment of panic. All went calm as soon as I lay back and just let what would be, be. I have a good, understanding dentist. He gave me a mild injection of Citanest (Prilocaine with no adrenaline component). There was virtually no numbing effect and no pain. I came away mildly euphoric that my tooth was whole again and that the rest of my teeth and gums are standing benzo withdrawal quite well.

 

I slept that night but the beast wasn’t so easily satisfied and the wave has continued to swamp me and take away much of my previous calm. It will go but for the moment I’m writing in a mist. We are so very fragile that believing full health will one day be ours gets easily quashed. I must just accept and move on.

 

 

Comments

03.07.2015 22:19

Tanya x

Rosalind...... just read 'On the road to recovery' am SO very happy for you, thrilled in fact, glad you were able to enjoy your trip,

11.06.2015 12:40

Tanya

Dear Rosalind... belated birthday greetings !
you have your fire back !!! Love, love, love 'Igniting bombs' fully behind you on this one !
love Tanya x

11.06.2015 15:39

Rosalind 🌷

Thank you Tanya, a bit of a non birthday but I will celebrate again when ok.

08.06.2015 03:06

Ron

How the hell am I going to get off Klonopin after 20 yrs

08.06.2015 23:10

Tanya

Hi Ron, this site and recovery road good places to start, you are not in this alone ! Wishing you all the best,

08.06.2015 16:15

diana

ron, I was prescribed klonopin for 20 years, too. it's a tough hole to dig out from, but it's most definitely doable. I finished a 10-month taper off k in February. best wishes.

08.06.2015 11:44

Rosalind

Ron, can you read the Ashton manual and get support for withdrawal. I was on twice that time and you can do it with
help. Good luck.

24.05.2015 12:07

Tanya

Hi Rosalind,
feeling for you finding yourself in another wave, keep going, healing is on it's way !
love and best wishes,
Tanya x

08.06.2015 17:15

Ron

Thanks Rosalind ,I. Did read the Ashton Manual , But I can't get no support at home ..

23.05.2015 11:45

Chris

Feeling miserable thanks for your inspirational Blog. It's so needed.

24.05.2015 12:22

Rosalind

Thanks for that Chris xx

24.05.2015 12:21

Rosalind

I'm through it now thanks Tanya. They don't last long at this stage. xx

19.05.2015 17:29

Karen

rosalind, sorry about your wave, I am doing better in some ways, but having bad brain fog, dizziness and vision problems now, want it to go away!

19.05.2015 17:39

Rosaling

It will pass Karen. I'm also suffering the brain fog today so hopefully the wave is going. 💕